August 21, 2009
It was a little white hijab
Which my mom gave me.
That grew with me forever.
But once I stained it with Coco,
With the sweet chocolate I ate
On one of the days of my childhood.
The stain looked like lost innocence.
During the hot summer school days,
My hijab used to be spoilt with dust,
So that everyone who saw me
Took me for a naughty little girl.
And then a big ‘royal’ blue spot on it,
With the Hero pen in my hand,
When I scratched my head from the class.
A mark that showed my untidy days.
The teenage life stained the bigger hijab
With spots of human flesh and blood.
Like raindrops, they adorned my hijab now,
For the big bad word of my friends,
That often dropped from my lips.
Once, during the youthful college days,
To my surprise I saw a dark spot on it,
Which smelt so bad and looked very dirty.
A piece of my secret heart, I saw in it,
A stain for not lowering my gaze from others,
And for not controlling my feelings.
Now the passions gone, youth ended,
I wanted to turn the leaf of my life,
And get back my pure white hijab.
Today I washed and washed my hijab,
With soap and water and Clorox.
But all the stains still stand fresh.
When will I ever learn, its not my hijab
But my stained heart inside me
That is to be washed again and again?
August 19, 2009
I am back again…. After almost 1 year. Even though I’m a little glad to be hear in my page, I am really very sad. There is a very sad news to share with you all. I lost my baby, or my Hamdu mon as I planned to call him. The reason? The Umpilical cord got knotted around his neck! I wonder what a reason this is! The cord that feeds him and keeps him alive, killed him??!! What all things God can do!
At first I was reaaly shocked and sad ….and… I used to ask myself why did this happen to me? But I think even when God plans terrible things for us, He also gives us the strength to get across those bad times. Or atleast, that was the case for me. I sometimes feel it was good that God took back my son He gave me. I’m sure God will protect and take of him more than me. He will have Angels to play with, fruits and food to eat that no one in this world have heard of, rivers of honey and milk to bath, golden glasses and plates ( and baby bottles?!!) in which he will eat… and most of all, he will be in Heaven, and he will be waiting for me there.
But still, tears drop down my cheeks… when I type these thoughts. The sadness of not being able to see my first little baby. The sadness of not being able to hold him in my arms, the sadness of not being able to kiss him… and above all, the sadness of not being able to breast feed him. I delivered him on May 14th. He will be in his fourht month now, making sounds, laughing, crying and trying to turn around on his belly. 🙂
I request to everyone who reads this post, to pray for me, that I reach near my Hamdu mon, in Heaven, soon. And don’t forget to include his father too in your prayer.
May God bless us all, with special blessings to all the mothers who have lost their children…