Horrible Things

September 11, 2009

It was after I read Salma’s blog that the idea of sharing my grief came upon me. Sharing really works a lot. Not only for me, but also for people who have had same losses like me. My hubby asked me to be strong and stop crying over the spilt milk (??). But crying is also a way of getting around, isn’t it? There are so many things that bother me now, right like Salma. crying lady

  • I don’t have anything of my boy, Hamdu Mon, to keep with me. His photo, his dresses or anything. I don’t know why nobody thought of keeping it for me. I asked my hubby to keep one of his dresses, but he didn’t do that too. May be he thought it would be better if I never saw it. But my loss is my loss, isn’t it?
  • I don’t have anything to keep me busy. Not much books to read. We don’t have a stable net connection or anything of that sort.
  • I want to do some social works badly, but don’t know where or how to start. Anybody in Dubai, who is reading this, please help me if you can.
  • I wasn’t able to attend Hamdu Mon’s funeral or go to his grave.
  • I wasn’t able to hold him or even touch him.
  • The nurse at the hospital never listened to my request for a second look at my Hamdu Mon.
  • I was not able to call him the name I wished to call.
  • The way my family struggled to keep me happy and occupied all the time, especially my mother.
  • And not being able to spend some time alone
  • The troubles my mother had to suffer, as the midwife who promised to look after me broke her word at the last moment.
  • The allergies due to the medications.
  • The look of grief on the faces of people who loved me so much.
  • The sadness I feel when I see or go to places I have gone when I was pregnant.
  • A sense of loss when I see babies the age of my son.
  • The fact that I have to wait for months (or years) to have another baby again. But still, will that ever replace the lost one?
  • The lost 9 months plus 2 months of bed rest. Wasted almost a year.
  • The no-crying, no-laughing, no-talking, no-reading rule imposed during the post-delivery time.
  • The fear of happening this again in my life.
  • Not being able to forget all this stuff.
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5 Responses to “Horrible Things”

  1. Salma Says:

    My heart is breaking dear Najeeba because I see so much of our grief being interconnected. I am so so sorry that this is what we have left. How sad it is…the isolation, the fear, the pain and really just the misunderstanding of those who truly do not mean to harm us by thought or act, but this is the reality, we are still in pain.

    Write to your precious Hamdu Mon, really write as if you could speak to him, write him letters and notes…whatever you want. If this is how you will heal then do it please.

    Sometimes I write a note to my Hussein…just telling him how my day was…thinking about if he was there how the day would have been different, how he might have filled a void.

    I am with you all the way. And dear sis, do not shut yourself off. Besides my precious time with Allah (praying, reflecting etc), my blog has become a therapy for me. Let it be your outlet (insha’Allah.

    Don’t let people tell you that you choose grief over Islam… I was accused of this by sisters who never lost a baby (and while I do not take it very personally)I want to shout at the top of my lungs)…I have not put aside my faith…I love Islam…

    Love you for the sake of Allah,
    Salma

    • Najeeba Says:

      Thankyou so much for your suggestions. I used to talk to Hamdu Mon as if he could here me, but never thought of writing notes. That is really a wonderful idea. Thankyou so much.

  2. najeeb Says:

    that is heart breaking. i stumbled upon this blog from indiblogger. years ago, the day my father passed away, our father’s elder cousin told the devastated family of ours – god has given us the ability to forget and that is the biggest gift of all. the loss will always remain as a scar, but its intensity will fade with time, stay strong!

    • Najeeba Says:

      Thankyou Najeeb for your post. Sorry for the death of your father. The scars that is left with the loss of our close relatives are really big, and it does take a long time to heal, with pain coming again at times. And I think its even more huge when it is our children. May God bless us all.

  3. Liyaqath Says:

    ALLAH will gave pain to those he love.Firhoun has no pain even a head ache till death.By reading almost your blog,i make out that you have a good character,that loved by allah.I want to read your hamdumon’s blog.please Mail me the user name and password.
    Keep Allah above all. All things happening in this world is already fixed. Humdu mon will receive you in paradise……..


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